Last Tuesday, I shared the meaning behind the name "Shalom Sisters" as well as a little snapshot of the what my life was like when I clung dearly to the word 'Shalom'. Writing that post reminded me of this one that I penned during that season of life. I wrote this in July and met Matthew Darling in October. I like to spend time during this month every year reminiscing on our story. When we look back at that year, how we met, how our plans were undone, and how God had been orchestrating the whole thing, well I just get overwhelmed by His goodness.
I think in order to understand what place God was bringing me to during this time, you should probably also read this post, about finding some Shalom. I get all teary eyed re-reading what's written below. Good things come of surrendering to Him. Maybe not as quickly as was this specific turn around, but good things do come.
"Most of the charismatic men I'd dated were actually jerks or bad boys, hardly relationship material. They'd subtly reject me but keep me around for fun, playing games where I always ended up the loser. I suppose I'd always been attracted to commitment-phobes because some part of me felt unlovable. It was a lot easier to fall for a guy who I knew, on some level, wouldn't fall in love with me. There was nothing to risk. The real risk would be to finally be vulnerable to love..."
...said the narrator about herself in a magazine article I read today. She put in words what I have known about myself for some time now, but couldn't quite string together in one conscious thought. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't realize I was sabotaging myself. But she hit the nail on the head..."because some part of me felt unlovable". I found myself siding with the guys. When they were gone it was like I couldn't blame them. I understood why they chose someone else because I didn't even love myself. And I had never expected that they would love me to start with.
Then there are the guys that took genuine interest in me. We all remember them. The ones I wouldn't give the time of day to, because "the real risk would be to finally be vulnerable to love". I often wondered why I longed for the ones that ran all over me yet ignored the ones that had nothing but the best of intentions.
This truth was slowly revealed to me and ever since I have been aware of it, I have been trying to be different, or at least I have kept myself at a safe distance from ALL dating relationships because I can't trust my own judgement. I dream about a beautiful relationship while keeping anyone worthwhile at a far distance. There is something broken inside of me that has made me this way. I could pinpoint a few life experiences that I think may have contributed to this damaged part of my heart, but I don't want them to have the power anymore. I don't want to be this person anymore!
Christ is so good at un-clenching my fists that are wrapped tightly around what has been comfortable in my life. So much so, that when He frees me in one area, He simply moves right along to the next, rarely giving me time to breath between the painful, but necessary, prying open of my hands. It is my prayer that He see's me through this un-clenching. That whatever lie of Satan's that I have bought into that tells me I am unlovable, will be wrenched from my tightly bound hands and disposed of forever! That I will be free from the lifestyle that leaves behind a trail of broken hearts. That there will be a man who is worth the risk.
I am willing to be patient in this transition, in fact, I hope that is drawn out. I want to be healthy, whole, and even more in love with Christ before I am vulnerable enough to fall in love with someone. But I do want it. I am not blind to my fault anymore. I am no longer ignorant of my fear. So, with the help of my Savior, I will face it head on & hopefully become the woman He intends me to be. Whether she is single, or not.